On The Campaign Trail, Pt. 1

As you may have noticed, candidates have been announcing their intention to run for president in 2008 very early. Some (John McCain, Rudy, Hillary) have been running since early 2006 in preparation for a race in the far-off future. Unfortunately for me, I will be unable to vote in the upcoming election for president. The trade-off for the time I could spend deciding who to vote for is replaced with something else, something more... major. As many of you know, the minimum age for a president is 35, an age I will get to in 2028, an election year. Therefore, I, Joseph LoPresti hereby announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America in the year 2028.

I'm not too concerned about my own campaign once I win the primary; I am probably only the second or third person to announce that they are running, and every psychic in the state knows that 2028 will be a Republican year. I'm more concerned with my opponents' campaigns. Because most of the people who will run probably won't announce for another 3 or 4 years, my negative campaigning strategies will be unable to pay off, as the only other Republicans running in the primary live in Utah or something. Therefore, I will need to use positive campaign ads for myself, a strategy that is known for its "honesty," a word that does not exist in the vocabulary of the Washington elite such as my 35-year old self (R-[insert red state here]). This could result in me slipping a few points, due to the fact that the voters will not be aware that my opponents gamble, cheat on their spouses, and do other naughty things.

I will also need to start the great tradition here in American politics - raising money and sucking up to the special interests. Right now, I have a 100% rating from every special interest in the country, due to the fact that I have never voted on anything. However, I need to protect this for the future. Therefore, my campaign will take the following stances:
-Pro-life
-Pro-choice
-Pro-gun
-Pro-gun control
-Pro-Gay Marriage
-Anti-Gay Marriage
-Hard-Core Republican
-Maverick, Independent-minded, Bipartisan Negotiator

I will also be more than willing to accept donations in any amount between 10,000 and 99,999 dollars (6 figures makes it look like I am sucking up to big business, which I am [not]) from you, your special interest, your lawyer, your aging great-grandparents, your small and/or large business, or your local politicians, assuming they do not run themselves. Remember, I must have at least 666,000,000,000,000 dollars by the end of the third quarter of 2011, or I will be out of the race before it even begins. I will also need my supporters to set up a few 527s to raise money for advertising purposes.

Remember, with the anniversary of just about everything always right around the corner, I will need to up the ante on one-issue speeches to organizations that could get me closer to my 666 trillion dollar goal. If they notice me, I may get some much-needed face time on 60 Minutes for my under-the-radar campaign for the future of the nation. That being said, I must not be seen as someone who is likely to win. Therefore, I must pretend to run a low-key campaign in every state that does not start with "N" or "I" and end in "ew Hampshire" or "owa." I must be seen as the underdog, the sensible, under-appreciated minor candidate, and a friend of the common man. Then, and only then, will I be able to dominate the GOP scene as an uberpower in American politics.

I need supporters if I am to win in any election. Therefore, I need all of you supporters of mine (that is, assuming the readers support me) to get out there and tell people about my stances on the issues (both of them). Make sure you include my love of everything close to their hearts. I need to have a large variety of supporters who take every possible stance on everything. If I can do this, I will be able to win in 2028, putting me on the fast track to re-election in 2032, my campaign for which I intend on starting sometime next week.